The Toxic Effect of Less Manly Men on Our Society
Today there’s a war on “toxic masculinity.”
You basically have to live under a rock to not have heard that term. But what does “toxic masculinity” actually mean? It likely brings up different emotions and thoughts in different people. I’m sure for some it makes people think of their dad or an ex or boss. Maybe they think of someone “mansplaining” or an patriarchal, fundamentalist figure or a guy beating his wife and yelling at their kids.
I wanted a concreate definition of what “toxic masculinity” really is. So I went to trusty Google to define my terms. According to Google and the definition from Oxford Languages, toxic masculinity is defined as “a set of attitudes and ways of behaving stereotypically associated with or expected of men, regarded as having a negative impact on men and on society as a whole.”
In summery, the war on “toxic masculinity” translates to a war on men in general.
Now that we have defined our terms, let’s look at weather or not this war is warranted.
Nancy Pearcy is coming out with a new book, "The Toxic War on Masculinity: How Christianity Reconciles the Sexes" this month. Since it doesn’t come out until June 27, 2023, I obviously have not yet had the chance to read it, but I did have an opportunity to listen to a podcast about her new book. In it she explained that the issue of men becoming “toxic” stems back to when the industrial revolution began. Instead on being constantly connected to their family by working along side them daily, they went away from their families to work. As men spent less and less time in the homes, they became disconnected from their families and their needs. As seen in the 1920-30s, women were a force behind the prohibition as their husbands took to drinking excessively. Infidelity and abuse became more common because of men’s absence. Sure, there were cases of abuse prior to men leaving to work, but the disconnect of the family was detrimental to society as a whole.
What has been the effect of this disconnect of men to their families? Statistically, 1 in 4 children grow up today without a father in the home. The effect this has on the children of these uninvolved fathers is staggering. These children account for 85% of those with behavior issues, 70% of those with drug and alcohol addictions, 70% of school drop outs, 85% of youths in prison, and 63% of youth suicides. Clearly, the effect of an, especially biological, father in the home is profound.
Truly, the falling away of Christianity and Christian values has had the biggest impact on men mistreating women and children. In this day in age we take the passage in Ephesians 5:22-24 to be radical. It says, “Wives, submit to your own husband as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” But in Biblical days when women had little value, the more radical passage was the versus that follow those. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:25-33. Biblically, men are to lay down their lives for their wives. They are to nourish and cherish her. Is this what we’re considering toxic?
To summarize the last few paragraphs, men were designed by their Creator to be present in the home being an involved father and nurturing husband. This is not only good for society, but the opposite is truly what is toxic.
I don’t want to discount the reality of terrible men. I know there are abusive men who cannot stay in the home. It is neither safe nor good for them to be around their wife and kids if they are in their sin and refuse to repent. I don’t say this to make people think they should stay with an abusive person for the betterment of society or the family. Those men are not fulfilling the God given call on their life and are a detriment to the family.
Yet, men, being the men with the traits and values that God instilled in them from the beginning of man, are imperative to thriving families and healthy societies. Men who are fulfilling their God given roles value, love, and care for their wives to the point of women flourishing. They are present fathers who raise and guide their children so that they become valuable members of society and decent human beings.
Not man has the opportunity to stay and work on the family farm or work from home in most capacities anymore. In fact, that is more the exception than the rule any more. So how can men step into this essential role? As a woman who does believe in complementarianism, I don’t think I can really tell men what to do, but I also would feel as if I was shorting this blog if I didn’t briefly point out the obvious. Being present when they are home is huge step when you don’t have a ton of extra time. Finding ways to spend a little extra time with your family will also play a big role in the betterment of your family. Lastly, submitting to the word and authority of God is key in being a good man with a good impact.
Now, I do feel like I can share with my readers more what we women can do to encourage godly characteristics in our husbands.
We should pray for our husbands. This cannot be understated. There is a heavy burden on our men to fulfill all that they are called to do. They are to care for us, guide our kids, provide for us, protect their family, make a difference in the world, and so much more all while submitting to the God. What a husband needs most is a wife that prays for him. There’s a lot we can’t do to help or change our husbands, but there’s nothing that God cannot do.
We should respect and submit to our husbands. I know, I know. This can be touchy. Take it up with God, not me, if you have a problem with it. This is what we are called to do as Christian wives. It’s truly beautiful the way God designed this though. It becomes easier and easier to submit to someone who loves and cares for you in a self sacrificial way, and it becomes easier for men to love their wives as their wives respect them. The two go together. And even if your husband doesn’t love you the way you want him to (with exceptions of abuse) that doesn’t let you off the hook for your role in the Ephesians passage. Trust God, pray, and submit to the things that don’t go against the word of God. It’s not always easy believing that God does know best in His design in biblical marriage roles, but He created us and marriage. Therefore, we as Christians should trust that in respecting and submitting to our husbands, we are doing what’s right and helping our husbands be the men they were called to be.
We should encourage our husbands. If you see him getting actively involved in your kids life, be sure to tell him that. If he did something that made you feel cherished, let him know. If you see him standing up in the public square for what’s right even if no one else is standing with him, tell him he’s doing the right thing. I think we underestimate the words, “I’m proud of you.” We all want to hear that and men are no exception. Most people will quit doing the right things if all they ever hear is that they’re wrong. Let us be wives that uplift and encourage our husbands to do what is good and right and true.
We should respectfully confront our husbands when they’re wrong. I will say, if we fail to respect and encourage our husband first, this one may not go very well. But if our husbands know that we stand by them and behind them in most thing, they may be more apt to receiving constructive criticism. If you have an issue with a way your husband or see he is sinning, approach him respectfully and lovingly. Do it because you care about him, not because you’re angry at him. Bring your critiques to him the way you would want them brought to you. Don’t belittle or be rude. Go into it prayed up and for the betterment of him, the family, and society. I know my bad approach can kill a valid point, but done in respect and not anger, my husband always listens to to what I have to say and will implement it if necessary.
To summarize this blog, men as they were designed to be are not toxic. They are necessary to a healthy and functioning world. They are critical in the lives of their children. They are essential to the flourishing of their wives. There are some bad men out there. There are some bad male habits that have become common. But this does not mean that men are bad in general. This means they need to become more connected to first God then their families. We can encourage biblical manhood in our husbands. We can help them become the men they were called to be. Because truly, a world without real, godly men is toxic.
